The Meaning of Loneliness
by SpringRising
Summary: When she remembers the day she became the protagonist of Okami, she only wonders how she could have been so, so naïve.
1. The Beginning of a Dream

**Warning:** Despite being rated T, this fic does contain somewhat explicit mentions of gore. I will up the rating to M if I feel it gets too bad or if I have been requested to do so. You have been warned.

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She was aware of a lot of things before she was aware that she was awake. She was aware of the feel of grass, for instance, and she was aware of the sound of the wind howling around her, and the leaves rustling as they were whipped from their resting spots. She opened her eyes, slowly and blearily, like she hadn't gotten enough sleep. She certainly felt like it. It was only as she sat up that she realized she should not feel grass, nor hear the wind or the leaves, and she should certainly not be seeing a black sky, devoid of stars or moon. She should be in bed, at home, buried under three blankets as she suffered through the harsh cold of Chicago winters. But she was not, and some part of her was aware that she should be panicking, at the very least. But she was simply too tired, stuck in the middle of waking up, to really process anything other than "Oh."

"Ah, you're awake now... Hello there."

She craned her head backwards to look at the unexpected speaker. She was a very pretty woman, bending over to properly look at her face, with hair that she could only describe as ink black, pinned up into a bun while two long locks of hair hung freely on either sides of her face. Her face seemed to be made of porcelain, with a curious marking on her forehead. She couldn't tell what kind of expression the woman had, but maybe that was because she was still sort of asleep. There was an odd purple mist swirling around her, which she really should have noticed sooner, but didn't, for some reason.

"Hello," she replied quietly.

The woman seemed to look almost troubled for a moment— but whatever had flashed onto her face was gone too quickly to tell. "Would you like to stand up?"

"Okay." She obliged, slowly, as if she was in a dream. Perhaps she was. Perhaps eventually she'd be woken up by the feeling of her mother gently shaking her awake, as she always was.

They stood there, facing each other, each seeming to wait for the other to break the silence. She took a moment to appreciate the woman's dress— she had never seen anything like it— while the woman seemed to examine her in return.

"My name is Ellie," she finally said. The other woman looked surprised, as if she hadn't expected her to speak. She gave her a gentle smile. "Hello, Ellie. My name is Sakuya."

Sakuya. That name seemed familiar. Where had she heard it before?

"I am sure you are wondering where you are, and why you are here," Sakuya ventured.

Ellie blinked, looking around, really taking in the sky and the wind, and the enormous tree standing before her. Despite wearing thick pajama pants and a hoodie, she suddenly felt cold. "I… I know this place… This is…"

Sakuya waited a moment before speaking. "You are standing in front of the sacred tree, Konohana, on the mountain that overlooks the village Kamiki."

Ellie inhaled— _really_ inhaled, a big, long breath of sharp cold air— and now she was awake. She _did_ know this— this was the opening scene to a game called Okami, a game she treasured and replayed over and over in the confines of her room at absurd hours in the night. She brightened, looking around for the statue of the wolf that would bring out the sun goddess herself. But for some reason, it was already gone— the pedestal lay bare.

"The statue that once housed the great Sun Goddess Amaterasu, Mother to us all," Sakuya spoke, following Ellie's line of sight. "Truly, her magnificence was a sight to behold. I had hoped that after all this time, she would have had enough strength to rid us of this plague… But alas."

"You… you talk about her in past tense," Ellie commented, more than a little confused.

"Yes," Sakuya acknowledged. "Which brings us to our current predicament." She hesitated, seeming to contemplate her steepled fingertips. At long last, she sighed. "… I won't put this lightly. Nippon, our land, is in trouble. We are plagued, almost overrun, by demons that bring nothing but darkness and destruction. Some months ago, I revived the great Amaterasu, and sent her off with a companion to relieve us of this evil. Having slumbered in that statue for 100 years, I had expected her to have enough power to sufficiently handle the problem.

"However, our opponents seemed to have outsmarted us. Not two weeks ago, Amaterasu was attacked in the early stages of her journey by demons of the highest caliber. She was no match for them, and she lost the battle. Kidnapped, or… or killed, I do not know her fate— I only know that she is missing, and as she is the only Brush God capable of wielding all 13 Powers, we cannot send another. The other Gods refuse to send a human on this journey that does not have the Divine Blood within them, and my power is too weak. I have already used most of it to encase the village in my fruit, for their protection."

Ellie almost couldn't process this."So— so, um, Amaterasu's been kidnapped— or killed, whatever— and, and now there's no one to do the job."

Sakuya nodded.

"Okay. So— so what do _I_ have to do with this, then? I'm. I'm a human, I don't— I don't even _live_ here." She stared up at Sakuya.

Sakuya stared pointedly back.

Something in her mind clicked. "Wait, you're not— are you saying _I_ _'_ _ve_ got Divine Blood?"

Sakuya raised her eyebrows. "You would not be here otherwise."

"But, I'm— I…" She struggled for words, waving her hands around wildly.

Sakuya's eyebrows flew into her hairline.

"… Okay," Ellie said quietly. "So I've got divine blood. I'm your hero." She looked at Sakuya. "What now? What do you want me to do? I'm not… I don't know how to fight. I don't— I don't even have a guide. Am I just supposed to follow Amm— Amaterasu's path?"

Sakuya stepped closer and cupped Ellie's face, gently lifting it up so she was looking directly at Sakuya. "I want you," she began softly, "to do the best you can. No one is expecting you to be perfect. I cannot teach you to defend yourself— this is something you must learn on your own, as you go on your journey. The Power of the Brush will help you, at the very least. And as for guides…" She pressed a soft kiss to Ellie's forehead. "The spirit of the land will help light the way."

Ellie swallowed, nodding. She hadn't really registered it before, but she realized that the entire time she was talking to her, Sakuya's feet had been firmly planted on the ground. It was an oddly comforting gesture.

Sakuya stepped back, clasping her hands together. "I'd suggest your first step to be retrieving the first Brush Powers and cutting down the fruit," she said, gesturing to a massive peach hanging above them.

Ellie nodded, taking a deep breath and readying herself to go through the glowing portal that had faded into existence behind Sakuya. She took a few steps forward, but was stopped by Sakuya's hand on her arm. She turned just in time to see Sakuya pulling out Divine Retribution from somewhere in her billowing sleeves and holding it out to her.

"You'll need this," she said simply.

Ellie carefully— delicately— took the mirror. On one side it was completely smooth, with no blemishes at all. The other side was covered with intricate carvings, looking almost like a labyrinth. When she looked up to thank Sakuya, she was gone. She turned to stare contemplatively at the rippling surface of the Konohana portal.

So Amaterasu was gone and so was Issun, apparently, and she was chosen to take their place. She took a deep breath, bouncing in place to get her blood pumping. She could do this. She could totally do this. It would be an adventure! She would have Brush Powers and the Holy Mirror and she would kick demon ass! The only reason Ammy got kidnapped (she wouldn't think about the possibility of death, that was far too pessimistic) was because demons had overpowered her, and anyway Sakuya had said they were "of the highest caliber", which meant that they were probably sent intentionally because she knew for a fact strong demons did not appear in Shinshu and stuff.

She hadn't said where Ammy had been defeated, though. And though Ellie had never had a lucid dream before, everything felt pretty real. And if all of this was really real, by that logic that meant that the world might not follow the game's rules.

But it also might, she firmly told herself, and with a final nod, she took a running start and leaped through the golden glow.

Almost instantly, her feet landed with a solid _thud_ on the ground, and already she felt the difference between the two sides of the portal. Where the grass in front of Konohana had been somewhat tall and a little hard (sort of like most people's lawns, actually), the grass on this side was thin and long and _impossibly_ soft, the kind of grass found in forests and fields that was softer than any other grass and made one want to lie down and roll around in it.

Which is exactly what she did, setting the mirror to one side and taking off her hoodie so she could properly feel the grass on her arms. When she had gotten her fill, she just lay there for a while, staring up at the sky that, contrary to the sky outside at Konohana, was covered with stars. She almost forgot about why she was there, simply having fun trying to find constellations and making them up when she couldn't see any familiar ones. She couldn't remember the last time she had seen so many stars like this. The Chicago skyline dominated the sky, usually, and the light pollution was just enough so that the few stars you could see were small, faint little things.

She inhaled deeply, taking in the smell of what she could only describe as a forest-y kind of smell. Sitting up, she picked the mirror up again, tied her hoodie around her waist (the temperature was nice, in here, warm and soft and inviting), and brushed her clothes off before setting off down the path. It really wasn't a path, not in the usual "dirt road" sense. Everything was covered in grass and wildflowers, and though she could see red fences in the distance, they were too far away for a trip there and back to be really worth it. No, instead the path was simply grass that had been beaten down from use, though she couldn't imagine from what. There were no animals here at all, and if the game's lore was the same as it was here, humans didn't come here much.

She went down the beaten grass road for a few minutes before she came across a bridge. There was nothing notable about it— just a bridge— but it was the first new thing she had seen that wasn't grass or fences. She peered over the edge, looking down into the rather large river that flowed underneath her feet. Though… flowed wasn't quite the right word— it was moving rather quickly. She watched it for another minute or so before she turned and continued on her way. Almost as soon as the bridge ended, clay pots appeared, lining the path on both sides and evenly spaced apart. She peered inside one of them, and then, when she couldn't see much, stuck her hand in. Feeling multiple somethings, she grabbed a handful and pulled it back out, opening her fist to reveal several pieces of what she supposed was Yen. She did the same for a few other pots, all of them yielding the same result— Yen coins. She didn't have anywhere to put them, though, as much as she wanted to keep them— her pajama pants had not pockets, and her hoodie pocket wasn't exactly usable at the moment. She dropped the Yen back into a random pot, and decided that once she got pockets, or a bag, or something similar, she would return to get them.

She had a while to walk, again, and because she had nothing better to do, she looked around. There wasn't much to look at, but it somehow managed to be breathtakingly beautiful anyway. The area was covered with nothing but the soft grass, with wildflowers scattered here and there and a tree occasionally dotting the landscape. No matter where she walked, the air always smelled… indescribable. The most she was able to say was that it was clean and crisp and sweet, and it made her feel comfortable and, somehow, at home. The oddest thing about the area was that it had its ends, just like it did in the original Okami— or was this the original?—, but instead of abruptly ending into black nothingness, it faded into water that was impossibly clear, reflecting the starry sky so perfectly it seemed it never ended.

She was coming up on a cliff, now. It wasn't terribly high, but it would require a fair amount of effort to climb up. On her left, the ground sloped up at a decent rate, but it was right next to the water, and she didn't want to risk slipping and falling in. Gut feeling said she should avoid the water at all costs. She stared up the cliff face for a bit, simultaneously working up the courage to climb it and looking for any defined foot-and-handholds that would make her ascent easier. She raised her hands to begin climbing when she realized that she was still holding the mirror. She had no way to securely carry it, and she didn't want to throw it up there for fear of breaking it somehow, despite the fact that it was a goddess' weapon and it was probably designed to be extremely sturdy. She examined it, looking to see if there was a strap or something she could put her wrist through to hold it, but there was nothing. It was then that she remembered that Amaterasu always had it floating on her back. …She _was_ a goddess, though, wolf or not. But, Sakuya had said that Ellie had divine blood, so maybe it was worth a shot? She had no idea how to go about it, though. Was she supposed to just… imagine the mirror floating above her back?

Her back would be kind of an impractical place to keep it, though— how would she get it if she needed it in battle? She'd leave herself wide open. Maybe her arm would be an easier spot. It would act as a good shield, too, and wasn't that supposed to be one of the secondary actions of the Holy Mirrors?

She held the mirror up to her arm and stared intensely, first imagining it to hover there and, when that didn't work, willing it. To her astonishment, after a minute of willing it, it _did_ move to her arm, and hovered a few inches above the back of her forearm. She cautiously moved her hand away, prepared for it to fall, but nothing happened. She grinned proudly, fistpumped and did a little victory dance, and then climbed up the cliff with renewed determination.

It was a tiring climb, helped in no way by the fact that she rarely exercised (she had some pudge to show for it), but eventually she hauled herself onto flat ground again, the path instantly picking up where it left off. She could see that she didn't have long to go, however— a short distance away, the path forked, the left branch leading to a stone obelisk with writing that she couldn't read and a bridgeless river, while the right branch led up a fairly large hill. When she came to the fork itself, she noticed that the river wasn't actually a river; it was just… void. There was nothing. She could see stars, yes, but there was also empty space, and she suspected that if she fell she would never stop falling. She walked down the other path.

The hill wasn't steep, but the walk was getting to her and going uphill was not helping any. She was outright panting by the time the hill began to curve back down, and she took this moment to sit down and regain her breath.

She knew this spot. It wasn't hard to recognize. But no matter how hard she tried, she couldn't make out Yomigami's constellation. Perhaps it was because it wasn't as defined, or maybe she just didn't know what she was looking for. Either way, constellations were hard. She peered at the stars for a while, trying to make a pattern out of them, and it was only when she thought she might have found it that she realized, with a sudden stab of panic and what might have been fear, that _she didn_ _'_ _t have a brush._ Even if she had the constellation, even if she knew which star to fill in, she had no way of completing it. For several seconds, all she could do was stare at the sky with a growing sense of horror. She was _literally_ _stuck_. She couldn't go forwards, and backwards would achieve nothing. She was doomed to failure from the start.

She pressed her palms against her eyes, taking deep breaths and trying very hard not to cry. It was okay, it would be okay, she could just… maybe she could go back and talk to Sakuya, and ask her to give her a brush? But she looked so tired, and though she hadn't mentioned it, Ellie knew her power was only so much. But… it was worth a shot, at least.

She took a few more calming breaths, then removed her hands, wiping away unshed tears before she clapped her hands together and looked up.

The sky was gold.

The starry universe she had been surrounded by was gone, replaced by a soft sunrise glow. There was mist all around, limiting her vision to a few feet. The sky rippled, and the mists parted to reveal a great dragon, coiling and twisting and turning his long body as he gracefully made his way down to her, stopping only when he was low to the ground. There was a low rumbling sound, and it took her a moment to realize that it was the dragon _laughing_.

"My dear Ellie," he said— except it wasn't like he was really talking. She heard the voice in her head, but his mouth didn't move and there were no sounds other than their breathing. "How wonderful it is to see you. I am sorry that we would have to meet under such circumstances."

She was too shocked to do anything but sit there with her mouth slightly open.

The dragon rumble-laughed again. "I am Yomigami, god of Restoration, one of the 13 Brush Powers. I grant my gift to you, in the hopes that it may ease your journey."

"W-wait!" She hurriedly stood up, wobbling slightly. "I don't… I don't have a brush, I— I can't use the Brush Powers!" Another thought suddenly occurred to her as she said this. "And— I didn't fill in the— the star, the constellation, how did you…?"

Yomigami leaned down, nudging her forehead (though with his size, it was more like he nudged her entire body). "Mother Amaterasu did manage to complete some portion of her journey before she disappeared. And do not worry, young one. You have the Divine Blood within you— you do not require a tool. You may simply channel the power of the Brush through your fingertips."

"But how do I do that?"

He puffed a breath of air across her face, which somehow calmed her. "You must believe." He retreated slightly, resuming his original position. He exhaled again, though this time it seemed sad. "… You are much too young, to go on a quest such as this. I wish it did not have to be this way." He began to fade, his form shimmering and compacting into a small orb. "Take care, dear Ellie. May you have good fortune on your travels."

The orb floated into her chest, and she felt a sudden rush of warmth spread throughout her body. The light faded and the mist dispersed, once again leaving her standing on top of a hill surrounded by endless stars.

She couldn't help the laughter that burst from her chest, and she began jumping up and down, too excited to do anything else. She could use the brush! She wasn't stuck! She turned and ran down the hill, still grinning. Her energy seemed to be restored, as well— she shot down the path with ease, only slowing to a stop when the river abyss came into view. Now that she was closer to the edge, she could see that there was a small trickle running along the edge, just the barest hint of gold and stars. She watched it for a moment, then furrowed her brows in thought.

Yomigami had said to believe, but that was horribly vague. Should she just believe that she could use the brush? Imagine that she could use her fingers? Just act?

She held up her hand, unsure of how she should go about it. Eventually, she ended up pointing two fingers at the empty river and moving her arm from side to side, as if she was filling in the river with ink.

Nothing happened.

She tried again, this time imagining the ink spreading across the empty space.

Still no results.

Beginning to get frustrated, she raised her arm again, not just imagining the ink there but _believing_ that the river was being refilled, ink turning into flowing water.

There was a sudden roar of water and a distinctive splash, and abruptly, she was soaked to the bone. When she opened her eyes, the river was full of water, flowing at a gentle pace. The river was large, larger than she had initially imagined, making the other rivers she had crossed seem like mere streams. She wondered if it had a bottom, and if the current would be too strong. She could swim, but she wasn't fantastic at it.

She stuck a cautious foot into the water, relieved to feel that it was pleasantly warm. At least she wouldn't be shivering, then. She tentatively placed her foot down, feeling the muddy bank slide a little, and then began wading in. The river's current was a gentle press against her side, not pushing her but letting her know it was there. Eventually the water got to a point where she knew she had no other choice but to swim, and she pushed off the bank, swimming slow and steady and hoping she would make it to the other side before she got too tired and drowned.

At some point, as if the river was responding to her wishes, she noticed a boulder, not quite sticking above the water but close enough to the surface where she could comfortably sit on it and rest for a while. She swam over and shifted onto it. Her legs were still in the river, but her upper body was exposed to the air, and though the water was roughly the same temperature she still shivered.

Eventually she kept swimming, and eventually she reached the other side. She was breathing hard, practically dragging herself onto the dry grass. She was not looking forward to the swim back. She pushed herself upright and stumbled forward, continuing on despite her growing exhaustion. She was so tired, she almost didn't notice that her clothes were drying absurdly quickly, and water streamed off her skin like quicksilver. She admired the otherworldly actions of the water as she walked through a red gate— they were called Torii gates or something, weren't they?— and realizing that as soon as she had done so, the area changed. Instead of a field with a trampled grass path, now she was on a stone path on what looked like a mountain. To her left, the ground gave a sharp drop, and when she peered over the edge she could see the familiar starry water far below. When she looked behind her through the gate, the land behind it looked the same as the path in front of her.

Odd.

The grass was shorter here, she noted, but still just as soft, and trees were more plentiful. They leaned over the path like a canopy, and she could see a real river, with water as blue as the sky, running down to her right. The area began sloping upward, and the stone path turned into stone steps, which she was thankful for but still killed her legs.

At some point, she paused for breath, placing her hands on her legs as she bent over. She pulled them back when she felt a wet spot through her pajamas, and when she looked at them, there were large ink stains, right where her hands had been. And when she looked at her hands, she saw that her fingers were dripping ink. In fact, they had apparently been dripping ink this whole time, she realized, looking behind her and seeing ink drops on the stairs like footsteps. Had they been doing this since she filled in the river? She stared hard at them, willing the ink to stop, but no matter how hard she thought or how she went about it, they continued dripping. Now that she really looked at herself, she could see ink flecks here and there, on her shirt, pants, and hoodie. She wasn't really sure how to feel about this, and so she settled for sighing and continuing on her way.

It was several more flights of stairs before she reached the source of the river— a moderately-sized pool, with a bridge crossing over it and another sign she couldn't read. The pool branched into two directions, one becoming the river and the other falling over the edge. The pool was filled by another waterfall that fell extremely close to the bridge, splashing water over it and making the wooden planks wet. Truth be told, there was really nothing eventful— just the bridge and more stairs, though the passage was now walled on both sides. Though it wasn't a long walk, she still had some way to go before she finally reached the famed Cave of Nagi.

Her first thought was that, as glorified as the game made it seem, the cave was really just a cave, and it followed that the cave had a cave-like, damp sort of smell. Despite the hole in the ceiling that let in light, it was still pretty dark, and she could hear the faint sounds of dripping water. Staring up at the crumbled, mossy statue, she felt sort of sorry for it. Obviously it hadn't had any visitors for a while, as it was horribly dirty and plant life was growing all over it, and despite the fact that the sword was fixed, there were still a lot of sections of the statue that were cracked or already falling apart. She was roused from her thoughts by the sound of bells, which seemed to echo all around the cave. She looked up, noticing that the light was shining a little brighter, and as the sound continued, heavy mist rolled in, obscuring her vision once again. It took her a moment to realize that the surrounding area had become heavy with the sunrise glow for a second time. She heard a faint whistling sound, which grew louder and louder, until finally a great sword, as long as she was tall, landed with an alarming _thunk_ not two feet in front of her. Almost immediately afterward, a mouse— larger than a normal mouse, but not quite as big as, say, a Rodent Of Unusual Size— landed delicately on top, somehow balancing on the tip of the sword's handle.

"My, if it isn't Ellie," he chittered. "It has been a very long time since I've last seen a human. I am Tachigami, God of the Blade. It is a pleasure to make your acquaintance."

"Uh… you too," she said, a little off-put by the entire encounter.

Tachigami was silent for a long moment. "… I rather wish we did not have to meet at all. You should never have had to bear a burden such as this." He sighed, adjusting his position on his perch. "I grant you my ability, Powerslash. May it aid you in cutting down the evil that plagues us."

His form shimmered and condensed, much as Yomigami's had, until there was nothing but an orb of soft light where Tachigami had once been. Once again, she felt the familiar spread of warmth tingling across her entire body, and she felt like she could run a thousand miles and slay a thousand demons.

She turned around, heading back towards the entrance. When she had first come in, there had been no sound, no movement of any kind to indicate that she was trapped inside. But as the mouth of the cave came into view, she could see partial wooden poles sticking out from the top, as if they had once been whole and were cut in half. Seeing this made her wonder exactly how far Ammy had gotten through her journey.

For all her knowledge about the game, she had still forgotten that there were enemies she had to worry about. As she descended the steps and moved to cross the bridge, two green imps suddenly flew into her field of vision from seemingly nowhere, stopping her in her tracks. They screeched menacingly, and though they had masks covering their faces, she felt like they were leering at her. She took a deep breath, moving into what she hoped seemed like an offensive stance of some kind.

She would be fine. She had this. She was chosen to rescue Amaterasu, and she had Powerslash and Divine Retribution. She held up her arm, the Holy Mirror flaring to life, and moved forward, swinging at one imp and watching as Retribution flew from her arm in a wide arc.

She didn't have a chance to watch it return, her vision suddenly exploding into haziness and stars. She stumbled forward, then to the side as something bashed her again, this time in the side of the head. She threw out her arm blindly, willing the ink to become the path of a deadly blade. She heard a sickening noise that she couldn't describe, and suddenly she felt warm liquid spraying her body and face. She screamed, desperately scooting backwards, as she finally opened her eyes only to see the imp sliced in half, blood still spurting and its entrails sliding out of their former places in its body, reddish-pink flesh shifting to take the place of the missing organs. She forced herself to look away, her breathing becoming erratic and shaky. She pushed herself up, her whole body beginning to tremble violently. The second demon, enraged at the death of its brethren, came towards her, screeching with fury. For a split second, she froze, unsure of what to do— _Powerslash_ , she thought, but she recalled the gruesome result she had witnessed only moments earlier, and instead she lashed out, throwing Retribution forward for the second time. This time, she was able to witness it make the hit and return, the disc nailing the demon in the face and completing its arc to smoothly rest at her arm again. She didn't think— she threw it forward, again and again, over and over, swinging her arm wildly, never stopping, she couldn't stop, she had to kill it—

She didn't know exactly when it died. At some point, it had just… stopped moving.

She stared down at the corpse, already beginning to rot but not at the instantaneous rate its virtual counterpart did. Abruptly, she turned, doubling over and heaving as her stomach emptied herself. She stood there for several minutes, shaking like a leaf through the entire ordeal. Eventually, she stood upright, wiping her mouth and spitting in an attempt to get rid of the foul taste that lingered.

She ran.

She ran, down the stairs, blood and ink drippings making it hard for her to keep her footing, sliding down the stairs at alarming rates and somehow never really tumbling, never breaking her neck. She ran, through the Torii gate, down to the riverbank, into the water, swimming like she had never swam before, through the river, never stopping, stumbling onto the mud on the other side. She ran, even when her legs were on fire, even when her sides had a thousand stitches and her vision was swimming and her lungs burned. She ran, even when two more imps leaped into her path, and she couldn't stop running, so she closed her eyes and swung her arm and imagined a blade. She ran and she leaped, over and through the blood spray and the carnage, and she kept running, feet flying down the trodden grass path. She ran, and she only stopped when she stumbled through the portal into Konohana and she fell and she did not get up.


	2. The Calm Before the Storm

She couldn't breathe. She was lying on her knees, bent over so far her forehead was touching the ground, and she was taking in massive gulps of air and possibly hyperventilating and she couldn't _breathe-_

She was trying so hard not to think about those demons, the effect that Powerslash had and the aftermath, the sickening sounds that came from the demon every time she threw Retribution, she knew they weren't human, they deserved it, they would have killed her if she hadn't killed them, she knew this she knew this she knew this—

She felt a hand on her back, and she would have jumped out of her skin and maybe lashed out with the mirror if she hadn't heard the quiet _"shhh, it's okay, you'll be alright_ " that went with it. Despite the reassurance, she still flinched. Taking another deep breath that didn't help at all, she turned her head slightly to look at Sakuya, the spirit kneeling down beside her and gently rubbing her back.

"Are you hurt?"

"…N-no..."

"There's blood—"

"It's- It's n-not m-mine."

They stayed like that for a little while, Sakuya rubbing circles into her back while she tried to breathe. Eventually she sat up.

"I… I have to cut down the-the fruit?"

"Yes."

When she stood up, Sakuya was gone. She was probably tired, Ellie figured.

She looked up into the branches of the barren tree. She could see an obscenely large peach some distance above her, partially obscured by the numerous amount of branches. She moved to get a better angle, climbing up on one of the nearby boulders to get a better vantage point. Eventually she shifted enough to get a clear view of the stem that connected the peach to its branch. She raised her hand, fingers still dripping ink, pictured a blade cutting through the green stem, forcing down the images of blades cutting through demons and blood sprays, and swung her hand.

The peach dropped, hitting several branches on its way down. She watched it make its slow, bumpy descent, and then finally roll off the last branch. As soon as it hit the ground, it exploded, releasing a burst of energy and wind in every direction. It was so powerful that she was blown backward, sliding off the rock and landing painfully on the ground. When she twisted her body, turning around to watch the progress of the restoration, she saw that the grass, which before had been dead and gray, sprung to life, green and vibrant. Wildflowers exploded across the fields, more colorful than she had ever seen, and leaves erupted on trees that had once been dead and barren in a matter of seconds, blooms dotting the sudden green canopy. Now, where the world outside the gate had been gray and lifeless, it was filled with color and energy.

Well, as much as it could be. Though the plant life was thriving, the sky was still pure black. Suddenly, she wondered how she was seeing, if she had no light source— not even stars, though they wouldn't have been much help anyway. She turned around to look for one, but the only thing that was bright was the portal, and that couldn't possibly produce enough light to make the area as bright as it was. And suddenly, she realized that it was everything: the rocks, the grass, even Konohana itself was emitting a soft glow, just enough so that the area was decently lit from the combined light. It would explain why the light stopped almost immediately past the Torii gate.

With that explained, she stood up. She already knew the town would be a statue— there was no point going down there. She would have to go straight to the lookout to raise the sun. But how was she going to see? She didn't have anything to guide her, and if she took a rock outside the gate it would probably stop being holy or something. She sighed. She'd just have to feel her way down. Hopefully the layout of Kamiki was the same as she knew it to be.

She stepped through the gate and was immediately plunged into darkness. She shivered violently, the sudden cold seeping into her skin, and put her hoodie on again, desperately trying to ignore the dried blood on her skin and clothes. She stretched out her hands, feeling for any obstacles, and slowly walked down.

At some point during her trek, she felt a rock wall to her left, and putting one hand on that to keep her bearings, the walk was much faster. It was still painful, though. The road was mostly smooth, and though she was on the grass most of the time, which was still soft, both paths had the occasional rock that she would step on or trip over, which was not at all fun with her bare feet. Eventually, the rock wall suddenly curved left, and she knew that she had finally come to the intersection. She continued forward— or at least, she _meant_ to, until she tripped over the extremely short fence and landed flat on her face. She let out a frustrated " _ugh"_ , pushing herself to her feet again, putting a hand to her face to feel for injuries until she felt the familiar slickness on her cheek. She rubbed it off with her shoulder, as there wasn't much else she could do, and began to feel her way forward once more.

By the time she ran into the second Torii gate, she was getting _really_ irritated, and she knew that it was only going to get worse when she took the uphill path. She let out another frustrated cry, throwing Divine Retribution in the gate's general direction. It flared to life with the action, flames appearing around the edges and lighting up the immediate area, though she felt no unbearable heat from it even as it came to rest inches from her arm.

"… Oh."

With the addition of the flames, the going was much easier now. She could see a fair distance in front of her, and now she could move up the stone steps without stubbing her toes or tripping every other step. Now it was only a matter of fighting exhaustion as she went up the ridiculous amount of steps to the lookout platform, not even bothering to go around the dried up pond to get to the final set of steps. She stepped onto the deck, the wooden boards creaking under her weight, and walked to the center of the circular platform, noting that it was very large— twenty people could easily fit on it alone, if it could hold their weight. But she was getting sidetracked— she needed to bring out the sun.

She held up her hand and made a circular motion, beginning the task that was becoming quite familiar, and willed the sun to rise above the mountains into the sky.

Nothing happened. Maybe she didn't do a complete circle? Brushstrokes were apparently everything, after all. She tried again.

Still no sun.

She tried again. And again, and again. Maybe something else was the problem?

She lifted her hand and really imagined the sun rising into the sky, the heat seeping into her skin, her surroundings becoming brighter, more vibrant. She made the circle.

She made the circle, over and over, each time her imagination becoming more detailed and vibrant, even using her other hand to hold her arm steady as she drew circles— but each time, the sun didn't rise. Not even the stars reappeared. Something was very obviously wrong.

* * *

"Sakuyaaaaa!" She called, practically storming back into the sacred ground. "I'm trying to bring out the sun and it's not _working_!"

Sakuya appeared in a shower of glitter, hovering a few feet above the ground.

Ellie came to a stop in front of her, panting. "I can't bring out the sun, and— and the villagers are all stone, and stuff, and it's still dark out. My— my brush isn't working."

"You don't have the power of the Sun," Sakuya said.

"I… what? I don't?"

"Amaterasu holds the power of the Sun, but she disappeared some time ago," she explained, floating down to Ellie's level. "She never had the chance to give it to you."

"… So… so what do I do? I'm— I'm stuck. Everyone's stone and it's pitch black and I can't— I can't bring out the sun—" Ellie rambled, near tears. "And— and it's gonna be stuck forever like this if I don't, and I can't bring it out—"

"Ellie," Sakuya interrupted gently, placing a hand on Ellie's arm. "You do not directly have the power of the Sun, yes. But, if my theory is correct, you have an alternative."

"A— what?" she sniffed, wiping her eyes.

Sakuya lifted up the arm that held the holy mirror. "This was Amaterasu's divine weapon. It is a miracle it was not taken along with her… but the point is, it may still hold some remnants of her power."

"But how do I use it?" Ellie asked, shifting the mirror so she held it in both hands.

"I do not know." Sakuya admitted. "It is only a theory. But it is worth trying, is it not?"

"…Okay." She turned to go, then paused as a thought occurred to her. "… Hey, how did you get it back if you don't have enough power to travel?"

But Sakuya was already gone.

* * *

For what must have been an hour, she sat in the middle of the lookout deck, holding the mirror in her hands and trying various ways of summoning the sun using the mirror's power. She'd drawn a circle holding the mirror, holding it up and thinking of the sun appearing, even throwing the mirror into the sky (though that had resulted with it almost nailing her in the head on its return), but nothing had happened and the sky was still dark. She threw it down in a moment of anger, crossing her arms and just sitting there for a while, stewing in her frustration. Sakuya hadn't even given her any _clues_. She huffed, shifting so that she fell onto her side, and continued to lay there.

 _"…Amaterasu holds the power of the Sun…"_

 _"…never had the chance to give it to you…"_

 _"…may hold some remnants of her power…"_

She sat up.

Ammy hadn't been able to give her the power directly… but if Divine Retribution still had some, could she absorb it?

She shifted onto her knees, feeling around for the mirror. The flames had gone out as soon as it had left her grasp, leaving her in total darkness, but soon enough, her fingers found cold metal. She picked it up, staring contemplatively in its general direction (it was still dark, she couldn't tell).

She wasn't sure how she should go about it. It wasn't like Yomigami or Tachigami, where they had given her their energy and she absorbed it— she'd have to do this herself. But how was she supposed to do it? Just… believe she was absorbing it?

… The Brush Gods were all about believing.

She held the mirror to her chest, closing her eyes and imagining the power flowing from the mirror, through her fingertips, up her arms, into her chest, pooling there and spreading throughout the rest of her body. She stood there for a minute, starting to feel kind of dumb for standing there hugging a mirror with her eyes shut, until she realized that she wasn't imagining the warmth flowing through her arms.

She opened her eyes.

She raised her hand.

She drew a circle, and she believed.

For a moment, nothing happened. She lowered her hand, and she started to cry, almost throwing down the mirror again.

And then, something happened.

It wasn't as dramatic as the sun suddenly flourishing into existence. There was a sound as if someone had exhaled, long and slow, and a warm breeze blew over her. The stars twinkled into being, and over the mountains, the first rays of dawn appeared, slowly and gradually lightening the sky.

"Hm? Who are you?"

She turned, suddenly feeling exhausted as she tried to focus on the older man approaching. "I'm… I'm Ellie?"

The man grunted, eyeing her warily. "Ellie, eh? That's an unusual name. How did you get here? I'd remember a young woman such as you passing through the village, specially with such foreign clothes."

Ellie stared at him, mind going blank. "Um."

He raised an eyebrow.

"S— the, uh, spirit of the Konohana tree sent me on a mission to purify the land." Which was technically true. She just hoped he had enough faith in the tree to believe it— she couldn't think of any other excuse that would explain why she was here. "These clothes are, uh, a gift. From her. For… mobility." Nailed it.

He stared at her, long and hard. She began to sweat bullets. Eventually he made a "hmmm" sort of noise and shifted to lean on his staff. "Well, I dare say that if the spirit of Konohana sent you on a quest, then we must do all we can to help. I am Mr. Orange, the elder of Kamiki village."

Woah, he accepted her excuse that easily? Nice. "It's… a, uh, pleasure to meet you." She shifted somewhat awkwardly. What was she supposed to say in a situation like this?

He turned around, slowly beginning the trek back to the village. "You didn't answer my question of how you came to be here without passing through the village."

Fuck.

"I'm—" She didn't know how to respond to this. … now that she thought about it, how did she get here? "… I don't know," she told him.

Old man Orange turned to look at her, one bushy eyebrow raised. She shifted uncomfortably. "I— I really don't. I… um, I woke up underneath Konohana, and… and she gave me this," she held out the holy mirror, splattered with blood and ink. She winced. "And, um, she— she told me to use it to purify the land. She didn't… tell me a lot. Other than that."

There was another long pause. By the time she started feeling like throwing herself off the lookout from sheer embarrassment, he spoke up again. "Hmm! Honesty. I like that."

"You… you believe me?"

"Well, in the absence of any other explanations, it is the only one that makes sense," he chuckled. "And I must say, holding a weapon of the gods is very convincing."

She let out a breath she didn't know she'd been holding. "Oh."

"Now, come," he said, turning back around.

"Whhheeere are we going?" She asked cautiously, taking a few steps forward.

"To the village, of course," he replied.

"… Okay."

* * *

When they turned a particularly sharp corner and came into view of the village, she stopped, awed by how big it was, even though it was still only a village. There must have been twenty houses at _least_ , and that was only what she could see from the incline. "How— How many people live here?" She asked, jogging to catch up to Mr. Orange.

"Oh, not much," he said, "only 43, including children. We're a small village."

43 people. That was larger than her entire living family, including in-laws!

They came through yet another Torii gate, finally leaving the mountain (or was it a hill?) and becoming level with the village.

"You're welcome to stay with us for as long as you need," he said, turning to look at her. "I'm sure my wife would be delighted to meet you."

"Um— Th-thank you," she stammered, clutching the mirror as if it were the most precious thing in the world (which it sort of was).

"Would you like a tour, or would you prefer to explore on your own?" he asked.

"Uh, I'd… I'd like to explore, myself, if—if you wouldn't mind."

He nodded once in understanding. "Well, I will show you to our home, at the very least, so you know where to come back to when you feel the need for a hot dinner and a comfortable bed."

He showed her the house— it really wasn't that hard to find, it had a giant orange painted on it for god's sake— and went inside, leaving her to go on her way.

The path through was simple, at least— It was one road, directly through the village, with a few side roads branching off here and there, but nothing complicated. It seemed that the village was comprised of mostly shops, with second floors or extensions for the family to live in. The exploration was uneventful, as it was dawn, and though some villagers were already out and about, most of the village was quiet. The village itself, though it had a variety of shops and houses, was small, and she had already started trying to memorize what was where. Outside the village, she saw a few families out in the rice paddies and vegetable fields, parents and children working together to tend to the crops in the early morning. A small figure waved at her, and she waved back. With so few people up in the early morning, she had to question why Mr. Orange had been up at the deck at that hour. And it seemed so quick, too. Had he been unusually fast, or was she just really tired and didn't remember the time passing?

She was probably overthinking things. She shook her head, continuing down the main path towards the river, wishing for some paper to make a map with, or at the very least something to write on her hand with. She had considered the ink that she was still dripping from her fingers, but it was too thick to make notes with and took up too much space on her hand.

She was quickly approaching the figure she hoped was Kushi. The waterwheel was just outside a rice paddy, both of which were outside the village, so she guessed that this was the paddy Kushi worked in, but she wasn't close enough to see any distinguishing features yet. She hopped the low fence bordering the path and the paddy, walking through the rows of rice to get closer to the young woman. Belatedly, she realized she hadn't rolled up her pajama pants, and they were now getting covered in mud. Even more belatedly, she realized her pajama pants were already covered in mud and ink and, more importantly, demon blood.

Fuck.

This was going to be a really awkward encounter. The river was nearby, but she had no soap and the blood was already at least a few hours old, so she wouldn't be able to get much of it off. Resisting the urge to hide her face in her hands and lie down in shame forever, she continued forward, internally berating herself for being so dumb. "Um, h-hi."

Kushi turned towards her in surprise, smiling at her and standing as she wiped the mud off her hands as best as she could. "Oh, hello! I haven't seen you around here before— are you travelling?"

"S-sort of, yeah," Ellie replied, put off by the fact that she had to look down at Kushi, who had to have been at least a head shorter than her. "I'm—I'm on a… mission. To, uh, purify the land." Yes, okay, cool, good response. It was true, anyway, though she felt a little uncomfortable stating it so bluntly. She felt like she'd be ridiculed for saying something so outrageous— but then, this was Nippon, wasn't it? Where gods and demons were real and people actually believed in them.

"Oh my goodness! Your clothes! Are you alright?!" Kushi suddenly exclaimed, putting her hands to her mouth in horror.

She looked down at herself. "Oh- n-no, this is demon blood, I'm fine, haha." Just some mental trauma, no big deal. Possibly a concussion? Definitely some bruising. "I just had an, uh, encounter on the way. Soap and water and I'll be good. … I'm, uh, Ellie, by the way." She bowed briefly.

"Kushi." The other woman bowed in return, giving Ellie another smile. "This is my rice paddy; I grow the rice for sake."

"You take care of this paddy all by yourself?" Ellie asked, raising her eyebrows.

"Oh, not always," she laughed. "Sometimes I give the children pocket money for coming to help, and Susano usually gives me a hand— he lives across the bridge, in that house way over there." she said, pointing to a lonely house in the distance. "They say he's a direct descendant of our legendary hero, Nagi. He always carries around a huge sword on his back. And he loves his sake, too, he often pops around here to buy it. He left recently, however. Something about slaying the demons outside?"

Susano had already gone, which meant the boulder was probably out of the way, too. So she could leave at any time? That was nice. "Would you like some help?" She asked.

Kushi laughed, waving a hand. "No, that's quite alright. I'm just weeding right now. The rice won't be ready for another week or so. Thank you for offering, though!"

She stayed and chatted with Kushi while she worked. The shops still weren't open yet, though now she could hear the sounds of a forge in the distance. She built a cover story while they talked; she was from the North, that mysterious place no one had ever been to, which explained everything about her— her unusual eyes, hair, and height (she was surprised to learn that the average height in the feudal era was so low, only 4" 9' compared to Ellie's 5" 5'). Summoned by the Spirit of Konohana, she was appointed by the gods to purify the land of demons. The clothes, she said, were a divine gift for mobility, as she had already told Mr. Orange— no sense changing the story, that just meant her lie would be caught faster. She had also managed to enlist Kushi's help in teaching her about this supposed new, foreign culture, which really just meant Kushi would help her with her shopping when she was free. By the time Ellie said her goodbyes and left Kushi to her weeding, the sun was well over the horizon, and the village was as busy as a population of 43 could get.

Suddenly, she didn't want to look around. Her clothes were a disaster, her hair was tangled and messy with dried blood, and she looked nothing like the natives, not to mention she towered over them. She was completely and utterly out of her element. She didn't even have any money, she realized, watching someone buying fish from a stall.

She looked back. Kushi wasn't done with her weeding yet; she still had a third of the paddy to go through. She had time.

She skirted around the outside of the village, making sure not to get too close to the fields for fear of running into one of the families she had seen and starting another awkward encounter, and began her ascent back up the hill. Assuming it was a hill. It could have been a mountain, thought it seemed too small for that, but she didn't know what the official mountain height was. It could even be a mountain by feudal Japan standards, she didn't know. It was a mystery.

She was at the portal now, doubled over and gasping for breath because a) running, b) _uphill running, why did she think that was a good idea, holy shit_. She straightened up and started moving forward, but as soon as she looked back at the portal her mind's eye was filled with images of demons dead and dying, blood sprays and rotting flesh and the crunch of bones breaking and organs shifting—

Her body moved back faster than her feet could and she fell, hitting the ground hard. She couldn't move, she lay there desperately trying to breath and think of nice things and very, very desperately trying not to cry.

It wasn't working.

She wasn't making any gross sobbing noises, at the very least. She desperately wished Sakuya was there, but the spirit had made too many appearances as it was and she was probably horribly tired and unable to come out again.

Oh, god, but she didn't want to go in there again. She was trying so hard not to think about the results of her last visit, but they kept dancing at the edges of her mind, lingering, creeping, coming forward and then running back when she tried to keep her mind on good things, like Sakuya and Kushi.

She couldn't keep doing this, she had to move. She had to move, she had to get the yen and bathe and get all the ink and demon blood off her, hopefully the rotting carcasses wouldn't still be there—

No, that was a bad train of thought, she needed to stop thinking about them, that wouldn't get her anywhere. Think nice things. Good things. Distracting things. Count to 100 in Japanese. She needed to practice, she was getting rusty since her dad had been out a lot on business trips recently and she hadn't been able to talk with him, her mom couldn't speak it as well as she could so she wasn't really an ideal choice—

At some point during her mental rant, she had stood up and gone through the portal without realizing it. She stiffened, eyes darting up the path, but she wasn't near the point where she had cut them down and she couldn't see any evidence of decay. Unwillingly, her thoughts flickered back to the initial encounter, where the first body had started to blacken and sag and the second wasn't yet—

 _No_ , she thought, squashing the memory down and ignoring how her hands had started shaking again. _100, count to 100. Practice. Walk forward and practice, keep your eyes up and ahead._

She stepped forward. _Ichi_.

She took another step. _Ni_.

Another. _San_.

Counting her steps, she moved. Shakily, slowly, with a lot of hesitation. But it was progress. It was something.


End file.
